I’ll be playing Doorman.
Valve's Latest Time Sink
Setting: The apartment living room. Leonard is sitting on the couch, attempting to grade papers (or at least, staring at them), while Howard is practically vibrating with energy, setting up his laptop on the coffee table.
(Howard)
Leonard! Forget those miserable student papers for a minute. You need to see this. I finally hit Diamond IV last night in Deadlock!
(Leonard)
(Without looking up, adjusting his glasses)
Diamond IV. Congratulations, Howard. Is that the rank where you finally beat the guy who’s also in the early access beta because he was gifted a key by his Twitch-streamer cousin?
(Howard)
No, this is the rank where my mechanical skill finally met my strategic genius! This game, Leonard, is genius! Valve took the deep lane-pushing meta of Dota 2, the third-person hero abilities of Smite, and the verticality of a shooter like Team Fortress 2, and they blended it into a perfectly balanced MOBA-shooter hybrid!
(Leonard)
(Sighs, puts his papers down)
Howard, I already have a "perfectly balanced MOBA-shooter hybrid." It’s called sitting on this couch and not playing another 45-minute competitive game. What is it about Deadlock that’s so groundbreaking?
(Howard)
The Souls system! It’s brilliant! When a minion dies, it drops a soul orb. You have to actively shoot or melee it to collect the gold, but the enemy can deny it by shooting it first! It adds this phenomenal layer of micro-skill and tension to the laning phase! It’s like a tiny, existential battle over every single piece of currency!
(Leonard)
So, Valve took the already soul-crushing complexity of creep-denying from Dota and added the requirement of having good aim to it. That sounds... exhausting. And doesn't it make the already huge skill gap even wider?
(Howard)
That's the beauty of it! It rewards true, multi-modal proficiency! And the ziplines! Did I tell you about the ziplines?
(Leonard)
I'm fairly certain you've mentioned them, and your theory that the Deadlock map design is a complex homage to the wiring diagram for the Apollo Lunar Module.
(Howard)
It is! But listen, the zip lines! They let you quickly reposition from your base to the four (now mostly three) lanes, keeping the action constant! There’s barely any downtime! It’s all about maintaining pressure on the Patron!
(Leonard)
Ah, yes, the Patron. The giant robot you have to kill after you destroy the two non-hostile Shrines. I read an impression piece. It sounds like Deadlock is one part Overwatch to four parts homework.
(Howard)
Homework? It's not homework, it's optimization! I've spent the last 72 hours mastering the 'Jettstream' build for 'Grizzled Grime,' the hero with the magnetic turret! I rush the Spirit item that gives me an extra dodge, then I get the Vitality item that provides lifesteal, allowing me to stay in the lane longer and dominate the gold exchange! It's an economic simulation wrapped in a third-person shooter! It's engineering!
(Leonard)
Howard, that is a fantastic way of saying you have found a new way to avoid helping Bernadette with the baby. Look, I like Valve. I’ll buy the game when it officially comes out, maybe in December 2025 if the rumors are right. Until then, my gaming time is reserved for things that don't involve a dedicated forum just to discuss which combination of items makes a certain hero "broken."
(Howard)
(Waving his hand dismissively)
You and Sheldon. Always waiting for the final, polished product. You’re missing the evolution! I’m in the beta! I am part of the history of this game! When they finally get the matchmaking sorted out—which, okay, is a bit rough—and they nail the balance, everyone who waited will be playing catch-up! They just added a huge visual overhaul, Leonard! The steampunk city looks phenomenal!
(Leonard)
(Picking up his papers again)
Great. A visually overhauled, imbalanced, complex MOBA that's hard for newbies and will probably have a toxic community by next Tuesday. You enjoy being an early adopter, Howard. I’ll stick to replaying Portal for the seventeenth time, where the genius is self-contained and I don't need a spreadsheet to figure out which gun I should buy.
(Howard)
(Scoffs, pulling on his headset)
Fine. More Souless victories for me. Don't come crying to me for a Deadlock invite in six months when all the streamers have declared it the next great esport and you're left behind with your antiquated co-op campaigns. Gotta go—the mid-lane Spirit Urn objective is spawning, and I need to deny the enemy carry before they get a global gold advantage. Later, man!
(Leonard)
(Muttering to himself as Howard starts shouting into his mic)
"Patron," "Shrines," "Soul Orbs"... Why can't a game just be about a space marine shooting aliens anymore?
TeamSpeak 3: Penny's Absence
Setting: A chaotic TeamSpeak 3 channel titled "The Lunar Geeks." The audio quality is predictably variable, with background noises occasionally bleeding through. It's late evening.
Participants:
- SHELDON: (Clean, precise audio, sounds like he's using a high-end studio mic, no background noise.)
- LEONARD: (Clear, but with an occasional faint static hiss.)
- HOWARD: (Slightly tinny, punctuated by a baby crying softly in the background.)
- RAJ: (Very loud, close to the mic, with the distinct sound of a bag of chips being opened.)
- PENNY: (Not present.)
(Leonard)
Alright, is everyone here? We need to coordinate our strategy for the new Star Wars: The Old Republic raid. I'm thinking we put Howard on tanking, Raj on heals—
(Sheldon)
(Interrupting smoothly)
Correction: Not everyone is here. Penny is once again absent. The designated time for our weekly cooperative social activity was 7:00 PM. It is now 7:17 PM. This deviation from the established schedule of our social contract is unacceptable.
(Howard)
(A baby fuss is audible, followed by a quick "Shhh, daddy's working")
Well, yeah, Sheldon. She’s probably... doing Penny stuff. You know, acting, auditioning, or maybe she’s just tired from her pharmaceutical job.
(Raj)
(Mouth full of chips, the crunch amplified)
Yeah, dude, she’s a real adult with a real life! Not all of us can organize our existence around Dungeons & Dragons night and obscure physics journals. (Another loud crunch.)
(Sheldon)
That is precisely my point, Koothrappali. Since she joined the pharmaceutical sales sector, her participation in our established social matrix has experienced a statistically significant decline. I hypothesize that her exposure to non-STEM professionals and the increased financial compensation have led to a cognitive shift in perceived recreational value.
(Leonard)
Sheldon, maybe she just doesn't like raiding, or maybe she's just hanging out with her girlfriends. Penny is not required to submit a cost-benefit analysis of her free time to you.
(Howard)
And honestly, Leonard, think about the raid. It's a 4-man operation. Penny’s never been a great DPS. Remember the time she confused 'aggro' with 'organic yogurt'?
(Raj)
(Chuckles)
Yeah, she definitely brought the wrong kind of culture to the fight. But seriously, her being gone is weird. She hasn't even texted me back about the new Marvel movie trailer. That’s usually immediate.
(Sheldon)
That is an excellent data point, Koothrappali. The reduced latency in her text response time indicates a fundamental re-prioritization. I propose a counter-hypothesis: perhaps she is simply too successful to participate in low-stakes entertainment with us anymore.
(Leonard)
Sheldon, she got a big commission check, not a Nobel Prize. She's not "too successful." She probably just doesn't want to hear us argue about the optimal application of the "Warlock's Ruin" talent tree for thirty minutes.
(Howard)
(In a slightly lower, conspiratorial voice)
Or... hear me out... she’s finally realized she’s way too hot to be hanging out with us, and she’s out... partying.
(Raj)
(Scoffs)
Howard, Penny has a job, a husband, and a burgeoning interest in artisanal pickles. She’s not at a rave. Plus, if she was partying, she’d send us a selfie.
(Sheldon)
Wolowitz, your hypothesis is based on a romanticized, two-dimensional view of her behavioral patterns, likely influenced by the residual hormonal attraction you held for her prior to your marriage. Leonard, what is the current status of your marital affection levels? Has Penny perhaps expressed dissatisfaction with your... personal dynamics?
(Leonard)
(Defensive, slightly raising his voice)
No! Our personal dynamics are fine! We just… we have different interests. She's interested in closing sales, I'm interested in the physics of ultra-cold atoms, and sometimes we merge those interests by going to the Cheesecake Factory. She's probably just on a work call!
(Howard)
(The baby starts crying louder)
Speaking of work calls, little Halley is demanding a hot beverage. I have to AFK for thirty seconds to retrieve the sippy cup.
(Sheldon)
(Ignoring Howard's plea)
Leonard, if she were merely on a work call, she would have texted you a brief explanation, using an acronym such as "BRB" or "GTG." The lack of communication is the true anomaly here. We should formulate a plan.
(Leonard)
No, we should not. We should start the raid and she'll join if she joins.
(Sheldon)
(A sharp, authoritative click is heard)
Negative. I've just navigated to her Facebook page. She has posted a new picture. She is at a bar with Amy, doing a tequila shot. Her caption is: "Celebrating the death of a truly awful work week! #WineNot."
(Raj)
(Gasps, the chip bag crinkling wildly)
Amy is drinking tequila?! She has been corrupted! Penny has turned our high-functioning neurobiologist into a common... well, a common Penny!
(Howard)
(Returning, slightly breathless)
What? Wait, Amy and Penny are drinking? Without us? That’s... that’s kind of a betrayal, right?
(Leonard)
(Quietly)
No, guys. It’s not a betrayal. It’s just them having fun.
(Sheldon)
(Voice dripping with intellectual superiority)
On the contrary, Leonard. It is a clear and direct violation of the Friendship Agreement, specifically Clause 4, subsection B, which mandates that all celebratory recreational consumption of distilled spirits shall be a collective activity, primarily for the purpose of maintaining accurate anthropological data on Amy's tolerance levels. I’m going to text her the relevant clause.
(Leonard)
(Exasperated, clicking his own mic)
No, Sheldon! Just put on your headset and start the game! We’ll figure out the optimal Warlock talent tree while Penny and Amy are out living their lives! For the love of Feynmann, let’s just play!
(Raj)
(Another loud crunch)
Fine. But if I miss a heal because I’m jealous, it’s on Penny. And her artisanal pickles.
(Howard)
(Sighs)
Yeah, fine. But I'm choosing the hero that looks most like a handsome aerospace engineer. Ready to tank, nerds.
(Sheldon)
(Silence for a beat, then the sound of fingers typing fast)
...Message sent. Starting the raid timer in T-minus ten seconds. I anticipate a response from Penny shortly, followed by an immediate, if inebriated, log-in. Prepare for eventual numerical inefficiency.
I believe this is directed at you @SOPHIE
1 Like
The crazy part is I can see you wearing almost that exact outfit on your dance nights
1 Like
Morning gamers
Make a separate Socratic dialogues thread
My vote is to make it a tontine
Lol
Everyone is
It really got to them.
critical thought niggas be like
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Dunno how the edit with a line break for the embed became a new post but discourse be like that
Me when I see these guys on the forum and I make several appeals to the moderators
DAE?
