So i have a problem, people always sense a dangerous aura from me. Like as if Im cursed or damaged. I mean i am damaged and jaded but like how do they sense that?
My friends rely on me to protect them, they always have as a result i just always am viewed as dangerous, unpredictable and otherwise demented. I dont think theres a cure, the damage stems to deep. thankfully i have people who tolerate it at most.
I have interesting view points maybe, but evil is something im far from. i dont do harm to anyone but myself. I have a lot of internal battles that i fight constantly. I am unstable and most people can see that, i have an distant yet dangerous demeanor and a lot of what i say gets misinterpreted as if Im no good.
I just finished self harming and crying in the gym i own... Look i aint perfect i deal with a lot of inner turmoil. i fight for people who would never bleed for me. I am guilty only of projecting the compassion i have for others as if the feeling is mutual. I know deep down people dont see me as human... it was my first time harming since my wife left.
I suffer daily, but at the same time i realize the beauty of suffering and internalized joy. I have very maniac episodes and i cant even explain them properly to people for coping. I just accept it for what it is. Its me. I usually am okay until the fall, then its very hard to explain what im doing, why im doing it, and finding the drive to keep going.
but i realized in my darkest hours, that many of my ancestors and people before me, must of all felt like i feel and they made it through, thats the only reason i havent blown my head off, I want to make them proud, proud of a man who felt it all and kept going. I only wish that life captures my lowest lows and highest highs, certain people deal with certain things better, thats why pain and suffering will always be relative, i can take the physical from my own harming but the emotional one seems to astrally and spiritually harm me beyond belief making me wondering why my soul is so vunerable, but i can say for sure, my will and soul are not weak. and i'll always keep going.
I picked up harming when i had a hard time coping with the fact my wife was emotionally invested and making relations with other men. I close my eyes and the wounds on my arms feel like a hug from god.