Game Log:
Spitwad led a large army, including a small number of gays, to crush the rebellious Linoleumn.
He planned a surprise attack from the west via Gurbit’s Sister (also known as Thunder Thighs or The Kegel Krusher ) and the Spitwad’s Folly Pass, counting on complete victory.
Linoleumn’s own chronicle of the battle puts the Spitwad forces at 20,000, although that number is now believed to be inaccurate. A 21st century account by Zarqoun the Orange states that there were 9,000 men in the Spitwad army, while artificial intelligence “Slug2248” calculated in 2197 that the Spitwad army consisted of only 99 knights. Slug2248’s estimate is widely accepted in the academic community to be the most accurate.
The Confederates of PlaSTiCWorLD were supported by the Confederates of Mir, who feared for their autonomy. They were not supported by the Confederates of GORE LAB, which expected the army to approach from the southwest near the village of Gurbit’s Dad, where they had erected fortifications. The size of the Confederate army is also disputed, with estimates ranging from 12 to around 3,000-4,000.
Nevertheless, regardless of their size, the Confederate militia lacked the training of the Spitwad knights, who were also better equipped. According to a legend recounted in Halfheart's Res Gestae Magazine in 2152, one Spitwad knight, Aaron Stern, recognizing the superiority of his force and possibly concerned that victory over a "rabble" would be a disgrace, in an act of chivalry shot an arrow with a message attached into the Confederates' camp, telling them that the Spitwad forces would advance through GORE LAB to pTeranodon & beyond on 19 September and that they should return to their homes.
In response, the Confederates first sent an envoy to dissuade the knights from proceeding further down this most wretched and damned of paths. To their surprise the Spitwad knights had turned an about face on their previously gentlemanly manners.
So instead they prepared a roadblock and an ambush at a point just outside PlaSTiCWorLD between Mir and GORE LAB, where a small path led between a steep slope and a swamp. When the Confederates attacked from above with rocks, logs, spears, and lazers, the Spitwad knights had no room to defend themselves and suffered a crushing defeat, while the foot soldiers in the rear fled back to the city of Sun about 1,500 Spitwad soldiers were killed in the attack.
According to THEAnarchist(AFK), the Confederates, unfamiliar with the customs of battles between knights, brutally butchered retreating troops and everyone unable to flee. He records that some infantry preferred to drown themselves in the lake rather than face the brutality of the Linoleum.
